Dear Red States,

We’ve decided we’re leaving. We intend to form our own country, and
we’re taking the other Blue States with us. In case you aren’t aware,
that includes California, Hawaii, Oregon, Washington, Minnesota,
Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois and all the Northeast. It may even include
Florida and Ohio, they are seriously considering it. We’ve given them
until Nov. 4th to decide. We believe this split will be beneficial to
the nation, and especially to the people of the new country. Since we’re
dropping the middle states we’re calling it United America, or simply
the U.A.

To sum up briefly: You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave states. We
get stem cell research and the best beaches. We get the Statue of
Liberty. You get Dollywood. You can take Ted Nugent. We’re keeping Bruce
Springsteen and Billy Joel. You get WorldCom. We get Intel and
Google. You get Ole’ Miss. We get Harvard and 85 percent of America’s
venture capital and entrepreneurs. You get Alabama. We get two-thirds of
the tax revenue, you get to make the red states pay their fair share.

Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower than the Christian
Coalition’s, we get a bunch of happy families. You get a bunch of single
moms, and the highest concentration of pregnant unwed teenagers. Please
be aware that the U.A. will be pro-choice and anti-war, and we’re going
to want all our citizens back from Iraq at once. If you need people to
fight, ask your evangelicals. They have kids they’re apparently willing
to send to their deaths for no purpose, and they don’t care if you don’t
show pictures of their children’s caskets coming home. We do wish you
success in Iraq, and hope that the WMDs turn up, really we do, but we’re
not willing to spend our resources in Bush’s Quagmire. We’d rather spend
it on taking care of sick people, and educating our children.

With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of 80 percent of
the country’s fresh water, more than 90 percent of the pineapple and
lettuce, 92 percent of the nation’s fresh fruit, 95 percent of America’s
quality wines, 90 percent of all cheese, 90 percent of the high tech
industry, most of the U.S. low-sulfur coal, all living redwoods,
sequoias and condors, all the Ivy and Seven Sister schools plus
Stanford, Cal Tech and MIT. With the Red States, on the other hand, you
will have to cope with 88 percent of all obese Americans (and their
projected health care costs), 92 percent of all U.S. mosquitoes, nearly
100 percent of the tornadoes, 90 percent of the hurricanes, 99 percent
of all Southern Baptists, virtually 100 percent of all televangelists,
Rush Limbaugh, Bob Jones University, Clemson and the University of
Georgia. We get Hollywood and Yosemite, thank you.

Additionally, 38 percent of those in the Red states believe Jonah was
actually swallowed by a whale, 62 percent believe life is sacred unless
we’re discussing the war, the death penalty or gun laws, 44 percent say
that evolution is only a theory, 53 percent that Saddam was involved in
9/11 and 61 percent of you crazy Redies believe you are people with
higher morals then we Bluies.

Finally, we’re taking the good pot, too. You can have that dirt weed
they grow in Mexico.

Peace out,

Blue States