Fafblog – September 9th

a few of my favorite excerpts:

“Alaska is also close to the International Date Line, giving Sarah Palin the power to traverse the distance between Today and Yesterday at will and making her the Wizard of Speed and Time. She’s sassy and white and ready to lead, people!”

“She will also re-ban abortion, in case abortion got away the first time.”

“Sarah Palin is kin to the wild outdoors and appreciates its bountiful splendor as she is gunning it down from her airplane.”

“So maybe Sarah Palin doesn’t have all that much “experience.” Maybe she doesn’t pay much attention to your fancy-pants “foreign policy” or “domestic policy” or “policy.” Maybe she’s “crazy” and “corrupt” and was picked by a “vetting process” that consisted of “tossing darts at a phone book in the middle of an all-night Ambien-and-Ketamine binge.” But maybe that’s just because Sarah Palin’s just too busy being a real American to hang around with your namby-pamby liberal candidates with their arugula lattes and their east coast Ivy League universities and their “qualifications” while they tax the Jesus Fetus to pay for gay Muslim healthcare! Well Sarah Palin understands that being vice-president takes more than just book-smarts or regular-smarts or knowing what a vice president does! It takes gumption and spunk and other made-up words that hearken back to another time – a realer time – a whiter time – back when men were men and women were men and great big hairy-chested frontiersmen of the plains wrestled oxen and caribou and the savage Injun Man in their mighty conquest of the West before succumbing to explosive amoebic dysentery! And with the help of God and millions of dollars in energy industry donations, Sarah Palin will give us that dysentery again!”

“As a Jesus-fearing moose-hunting hockey-mom mother of five, Sarah Palin understands real American values, because she is a real American just like you, only with much more money and power and a tiny invisible fairy that lives in her brain and tells her to ban books and blow up Muslims.”

“For her first reform she will pose for photographs with a gun and a stuffed moose head! For her second reform she will say something bold and brassy. For her third reform she will give birth at a live press conference to six eagle scouts, three peregrine falcons and an American mastodon, rear them in the Christian faith and release them into the wild before hunting them down, shooting them and mounting their heads in the Roosevelt Room!

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